Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
