Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
