there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
