worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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