You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
