I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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