using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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