Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
