How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
