i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
