Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
