Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
