I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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