You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
only if we run a train.
done.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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