I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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