finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
