I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
