Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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