Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
