Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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