i just had sex bonerless
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
