is your mom at the bar?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
