She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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