Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
