everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
