Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
