She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
