Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
