I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize