my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
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new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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