man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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