he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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