i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
