I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
