oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
