Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
