its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
