Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
