And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
