There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
