Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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