i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.