i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.