someone get that fucking seahorse.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
