got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
