Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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