I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
