it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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