ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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