its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
