someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
