its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
