Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
