every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
