it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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