i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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