but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
