Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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