my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
